Total turnaround. A complete three sixty back to me. I knew I forgot something..
For months, or maybe even a year; it feels as though my days have been filled to the brim. I've shed layer upon layer of myself into projects, passions, work, marriage and my ever rambling mind. And I've worn thin.
In time, I began to feel different, something subtle shifted, and I disconnected. My attention span fell short, my time became too precious, and my feet lifted off the ground. In circles I walked, fumbling towards the destination I thought I needed to go, but forgetting to take myself along for the ride.
Fuelled by a desire to make it to the 'finish' line, where I was hoping to meet success (what does that even mean?) and high five contentment, I started to break away even more. The person I got to know in my thirties, who allowed me to come into my own, who my husband saw through it all, and who I desperately need to apologise to; lost her groove. Instead of cutting myself some slack and celebrating what I WAS accomplishing, I slashed myself for not doing more. Being more.
How hard is it to allow for a little (ok a lot) of self appreciation to occur?! To really just feel like who we are and where we are in this moment is ALL GOOD.
To be honest, I have no idea if this is possible. Can we, as women, people, ever manage to hold on to the better part of ourselves? The part who swiftly gives judgement the boot, lets go of useless comparisons, shameful jealousy, and guilt. I sure fucking hope so.
And hope it what I’m clinging to; because even in a cloudy haze of thoughts, an exhausted mind and heart, my bruised self can feel more than ever it is now or never. It is an illusion that we have days, months, years to sift through the emotional baggage we decided to check in on this journey. The date to finally ditch these preconceived ideas about what it means to feel accomplished, productive, happy, is WAY expired.
In my generation, the very changes our global community have undergone is enough of a reminder than nothing stays the same. We are in constant movement and there is a huge wave of both good and bad energy that seeps into who we are as people every single day. We flawlessly flow through traffic, rush to get here, there and everywhere with perfect determination. We carry an impressive amount of pressure on our shoulders to do it all. Without the break of a sweat, the shed of a tear, and without admitting we’ve forgotten who this is even serving, we keep on keeping on.
Maybe it is possible to thrive in the hustle and bustle, feel empowered by the rush of smashing an endless list of tasks, and biting off more than we can chew.
For me, it does not work. In the midst of trying to do and be everything I think I need to be, I shove my personal needs onto the back burner. What allows me to recharge and refuel are the simple things I ironically ditch first. I never said I was logical!
Taking the time to breathe, be quiet, leave the dishes in the sink, lay longer in bed to read, shut off from Facebook to face myself one on one. These actions have a worth I know deep down will always serve me. Will always help me find my way back. Through a collection of words released from the mind, a return to actions without agenda and a long overdue time out, I am finally beginning to create just enough space to turnaround. To acknowledge the integral part of me. There is no use in filling my days, taking on new challenges and commitments without her.
If you've happened to wonder why you feel out of sync, awkward in your own skin; maybe you’ve left some of yourself go along the way. Maybe the bits and pieces you shed to make room for more undertakings have ended up making a huge difference in how you feel as a person. Maybe you created space for a partner, children, a killer job, getting fit, finding your passion, and the list goes on and on. It is not about where you are in your life or how many experiences you have had under your belt; but rather, if you remembered none of it actually matters unless YOU feel at home in your own skin.
So, if you ever lose touch with this crazy thing called life, chances are you’ve forgotten something...
Lucky that something isn't hard to find.